You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
LA today:
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
6. me as a lawyer
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
honestly, i need both:
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.