Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Dammit Chief not again
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I only say stupid things when I talk.