The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
You Might Also Like
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*