Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”