My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Blew out my flip flop…
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no