“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.