My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The pasta is now
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk