idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first