Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.