Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
You Might Also Like
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.