Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.