By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.