Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
You Might Also Like
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
sistine chapel