After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot