In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.