Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
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Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”