I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
i baked you a cake
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales