Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You Might Also Like
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.