“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
termite twitter scares me
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political