So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
then why did i get this email
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.