winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.