Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
How software testing works