Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic