[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
You Might Also Like
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀