I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
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My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.