You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
A bold strategy
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
6: are snakes just neck?