Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
You Might Also Like
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?