Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
You Might Also Like
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Incredible customer service.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
There’s only one good girl here!
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: