“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.