ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.