Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear