eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER