(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
mumsnet is amazing
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
had to share :’)
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
she has a point
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.