Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m about to risk it all