I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
this is the best interaction on twitter
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
dutch is not a serious language
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS