me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life