bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
*bites zombie*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
this is the best day of my life
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.