If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake