HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
hi why am I like this
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights