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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all