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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
What number SPF blocks people?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.