Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
taking June’s advice to heart
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.