As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
secret recipe
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
hi why am I like this
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.