On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
(yawn)
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.