If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.