Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.