my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Jupiter