[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge