The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.