I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Dammit Chief not again
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too